I've been doing a fair bit of writing recently, mostly when I'm tired or too full of thoughts to concentrate on work. I've not finished any songs, but have the potential necessities to create a horrific Frankenstein of a song, made from mismatched limbs, lines and jam. I've been feeling curiously, and commented earlier when talking about writing, that my life is full of refrains, but no verses. And, much like when I'm waffling aimlessly in essays hoping to stumble over a mark somewhere, I suddenly realised that what I was saying was more true than I thought.
Tonight is evidence potent and fetid enough to satisfy any dispute- life, my life, I'm damn certain sure others' lives (for we all fall short, no?), can be sometimes ruled by a recurring line, a repeated lyric. Something we always find ourselves singing. Maybe it's a habit you just can't kick. Maybe it's a mistake you just keep making. Maybe it's depression. Maybe it's lust. Maybe it's a promise of a new start that I make every day/week/month that I thought I'd never have to make again. Sometimes we break out, start singing a verse, because verses are progression, but refrains come back around- naturally. And above the power of being held in that line almost is the fear of it coming back again. Maybe you notice the chord pattern shifting that way, more minors falling into place, a crescendo of drums... I don't know. But I know the fear of things coming back can be as debilitating as when they're playing havoc with your life. It stops you from taking risks, stops you from living in the potential that you have. Refrains...seem to be a slippery phenomenon, sliding into place in the song at any time. Sometimes almost unnoticed, refrains are playing throughout the verse. It makes me feel sad and a fraud that whilst I grow and progress through life, the same lines are sung in the hidden depths of my life that I'm ashamed of.
That's no way to live. But. If refrains are the immovable objects- God is the unstoppable force. But Han Feizi, this is a paradox, neither, according to the laws of physics will triumph. Except that God created physics and the laws of the universe bend to His will and His will is that we don't live trapped in refrains, and His perfect love drives out the fear of them. To repent, in its original Greek, is to change your mind, as in the way you think, be renewed in your mind and step out on that. Break with the refrain, get God's help and live out the promise of His faithfulness. I say 'you', because I'm shouting at myself. I'm sick of falling into the same muddy holes over and over. Bizarrely, I think I'd rather that I fell into a different one each day, because at least I could look back at what I'd gotten out of before, or what He's gotten me out of before, what refrains I didn't have to sing any more, and see progress in my life pointing me towards refinement.
And of refinement- well. Recently, I've prayed to be changed so much, and so quickly, with such tenacity, such stark contrast to how I've been living, thinking, failing...and I've come away from time with God running on new strength of character I've claimed in Him at 50000mph. And I've tripped up so spectacularly in the space of a week, like seriously one of those amazing falls where you feel your legs just aren't quite listening to your head shouting "abort! we're going down!- abandon ship!" and then you can see yourself flailing around as in slow motion you careen towards the low low ground...on which there's probably dirt of a vicious kind. Because, it's not about the big change all of a sudden. "It's a constant process this is, growing you into the person you're to become." I'm going to borrow a quote, I hope that the person won't mind, but I've tried paraphrasing and it can't be said any better, and when I read it I was just like, yes- that's what I've been trying to fashion into a coherent sentence:
My prayer has been shaped (through this same fiery furnace) from a previous plea of, "Lord, please finish this process as quickly as possible and let me on my way" to a more desperate cry, "Lord, I want the purest of refinement. Please take as much time as you need to rework and reshape my heart. Whatever you do, please finish the process fully and completely - just allow me to endure it." - Chad Johnson
That's all I have to say really. I'm very, very tired, and it is now nearly 2am. I have slept very little for 2 nights, and after watching Dr Who today I am scared of my bathroom. I received my first assignment back today and did well in it, but have decided that grades are farcical because my tutor commented that I obviously understood the arguments of the history book I was reviewing, when in fact I only read half of it because I gave up due to it being jibberish to me. I am a fraud, and now feel guilty and will endeavour to read the book fully. Contrary to their generally negative press in this entry, I'm really happy to have a couple of refrains down, and wait expectantly for their accompanying verses. I've eaten I think my free 50% extra mass of bourbons whilst writing this. I have 3 essays to write. God is good. I'm not even joking, because of Dr Who I'm still sat here just to prolong the time before having to turn off the light. Falling asleep to worship music tonight.