Fill.

A few things to admit-

1) I've been more stressed this past week than I have in a long time
2) I've been quite a grumpy git at times, and this makes me sad
3) There is a strong correlation between these things and a lack of time hanging with God
4) I really miss Him.

Don't get me wrong, I'm never far from His side these days- but tiny silly little fickle things like not having personal space or being so busy rushing around (hello Mary and Martha) or just wanting to relax...somehow persuade me away from just basking in the goodness of Jesus as much as my soul cries to do. No more please, fix my eyes on You.

I have quite a bit to say, but I have not felt this rough in a while and so really need sleep. All I will say is that after a couple of days without reading the Bible properly, dipping into Hebrews was more refreshing than cool water in the sweltering heat. How graceful, that when we turn to Him, He's been waiting, watching us the whole time, just wanting that moment when we're face to face once more. Beautiful.

"I am far away,

But You're closer than You've ever been."

Perceive.

It's been a while; it feels like an age. I've travelled miles. Some things have changed, others stayed the same.

That's just life.

Something that bowled me over the other day was this. I was thinking about how grace is like air. We need it to survive, we'd be lost, choked and dead without it. We walk through it all the time. It surrounds us. Every moment of every day it collides with our bodies, fills our lungs. Do we feel it? Do we realise it's there? I do not. Were it taken away, I'd feel it. Often I marvel at God's grace for me, when I screw up, when I fall down, when I've been underwater and take my first breath of urgent air. Sometimes, I ask for grace to be given to me, so that I can give it to others, not bite off heads, or hold crushing grudges. I thank God when I'm given grace for others. What I forget, what I'm completely oblivious to so much of the time, is the grace that other people are asking for, to give to me. Where would I be, without the grace of other people? What untimely (or fully justified) end would I have come to years ago or every day without God giving people like me grace to forgive people like me?

Cross-hatch.

I couldn't decide what to do tonight, so I started drawing. I ended up using an old poem as the basis, and drew a bedraggled figure clinging desperately to what would eventually be a golden throne. In the poem, it's about how we try so desperately to be the rulers of our own lives, when really, the only one worthy of and trustworthy in that position is Jesus. So I was pondering this as I drew. When I had finished the figure, I was going to fill in the throne behind her. But for some reason, God told me to cut her out. I am not in the habit of destroying art that I've made- perhaps this is a lesson of humility and obedience in itself. Anyway, I took my trusty craft knife and cut out this figure, almost in the fetal position, arm outstretched to hold on to as much as she could. I decided to put her to one side, paint a throne, and stick her over it. So I went to lean her on my pin board. Her dimensions and pose meant that as I put her down, she immediately looked as if clinging to the person in one of my photographs. The person was significant, which is ironic. I then moved her, absent-mindedly placing her on my purse. She clung. She is now grasping my guitar quite intently.
Anyway, it all made me think (as though this were a strategically designed exercise), about how we cling to so many things in life, and considering her original attachment to that gilded throne, how we let so many things rule us. People, money, ambition, self-interest, laziness, grades, comfort, appearance... I'm going to ponder what it is that I need to let go of right now, and get on with it.

"I have realised that I own nothing in life. Everything is a gift from God to look after and be accountable and responsible for."

Lost.

Exhausted. Two interviews in two days. Two jobs got. Praise God. Perfect position for the summer. Flexible. With pay. Mentoring position for next term. Youth work. With pay. Provision. Too good. Undeserved. Especially when I mess up as much as I do. So jobs. Trains. Sheffield Monday to Nottingham to Sheffield again this morning. 5am start. Late night. Gran had a stroke. Yoda. What's she playing at? Time passes. Sleep. Tomorrow. Duvet day. Please.