Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Sick of this.
Sick with this.
Sick in this.

Saturday, 26 December 2009


It is Boxing Day. I still don't know why it's called this.

As for Christmas, all I want to impress is the sense of awe that we're celebrating a baby born to die for us, to save our lives, God suffering and dying that we might live in the most incredible expression of Love the world has and ever will see. It's so simple, but so beautiful. One of my friends replied to a Christmas text with simply, "you too. I'm so glad Jesus came!" which made me beam ridiculously. It is, after all, good news. Rather. I wish I lived with this knowledge at the forefront of my mind every day!

I'm in a thoughtful mood, which should probably by anesthetized until after the relatives have been round today. I'm going to make mulled wine.

Thursday, 24 December 2009


I've just stupidly epitomized my life in one minute. Turn on laptop. Pray for my heart to be protected so that I can sleep. Proceed to blatantly follow facebook links to stuff that's just going to keep me up all night thinking. Why? Stupid girl. Why? All the time I'm doing this! Saying God, help me get out of this! Help me focus on you! When all I do is turn away. Every day. I'm so annoyed at myself. I despair. Gah!

What am I doing with my life?

Don’t wake me. I’ve fallen asleep. Don’t hate me. I have no relief.
This burden is shredding my soul. This cycle is out of control.

And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again. I’m falling into You.
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again. I’m falling into You.

In a darkened room, this pain is complete. In my selfish tomb, I smell the defeat.
Why do I medicate? Why do I go back to the things I hate?
There’s something broken in me - I must be soaking in my apathy.

And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again. I’m falling into You.
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again. I’m falling into You.

All who are found in this place, come to the ocean of grace.
And all who have spit in His face, come and live!
And You call me as your friend, as I drive these nails again. I’m falling into You.
(Come and live!)
You call me as your friend, as I break Your heart again. I’m falling into You.
And You call me as your friend - my heart beats once again. I’m falling into You.

Sunday, 20 December 2009


I've just realised that I've bitten my lips to shreds today. Darn it.

Saturday, 19 December 2009


Nottingham streets surround me once more. It's been a strange and long day. After deciding not to pack sensibly I went for a winter walk around the Botanical Gardens and took photos of the snow and various beautiful things God made. Admittedly, as I wandered I imagined what it would be like if it was the last time I was there, and I felt the heavy combination of love for a city and despair at a situation. I don't know. I saw the familiar squirrels, friendly as ever, and guiltily smiled at one sat shivering in the snow.

Upon returning, the quietness strikes me as it always seems to. At uni I have music on constantly when I am in my room, even when falling asleep. The radio is on in the kitchen always. Here, I sit with mum having coffee and no sound comes for minutes on end. It's weird. I like silence, I like to sit and wait, but I like the choice. I even miss the irritating banging of B4 above me, although if the ceiling were to bang here, I'd freak out ridiculously...Tristan told me I had a twin brother who the parents put in the loft because he was mad. Another, slightly more noticeable thing, is that the bath has been reduced to 2 taps and a piece of jagged porcelain sticking out of the wall. This distresses me.

I don't know. I just don't know. There's a lot going on in my little, unsubstantial head.

I saw friends tonight. They're amazing, they really are.

Too tired in every way.

Friday, 18 December 2009


Beggar, stranger, alien.

Wednesday, 16 December 2009


"Christ has come from the eternal heart of his Father to a region of sorrow and death;
that God should be manifested in the flesh, the Creator made a creature;
that he that was clothed with glory should be wrapped with rags of flesh;
he that filled heaven and earth with his glory should be cradled in a manger;
that the God of the law should be subject to the law;
the God of the circumcision circumcised;
the God that made the heavens working as a carpenter for Joseph;
that he that binds the devil in chains should be tempted;
that he, who owns the world and everything in it should hunger and thirst;
that the God of strength should be weary;
the Judge of all flesh should be condemned;
the God of life put to death;
that he that is one with the Father should cry out of misery, "My God, My God why have you forsaken me?";
that he that had the keys of death and hell should lie in another man's tomb;
that his head, before whom the angels cast their crowns, should be crowned with thorns;
that his eyes, purer than the sun, should be shut by the darkness of death;
those ears, which heard nothing but the hallelujahs of angels and saints, should hear the blasphemies of the crowds;
that mouth and tongue, that spoke as never any man spoke, should be accused of blasphemy;
those hands, that held the sceptre of heaven itself, should be nailed to the cross for human sin;
his every sense irritated,
with the spear and nails,
the smell of death,
the taste of vinegar and gall,
the sound of curses,
the sight of his mother and disciples mourning for him;
his soul was without comfort and forsaken..." -Thomas Brooks

He understands you and me.

Saturday, 12 December 2009


In true abi fashion, I stormed out this afternoon with the intention of getting as far away from Sheffield as my legs would carry me. I packed a flask of hot coffee, a packet of chocolate biscuits, my favourite fruit, my bible, notebook, a torch, batteries and camera, and headed towards hills. I followed a river, and subsequent streams, and walked pretty much where ever I felt inclined, twisting and turning my way through dense woodlands, open fields and along treacherous roads. About an hour in, I decided to make my goal to find and converse with a sheep. Secretly, I think my true goal was to get completely lost, because I love being lost and the lack of responsibility it offers. Anyway, I wandered, and wandered, and thought, and sang, and smiled and cried and laughed and stumbled and tripped and slipped and slid and looked for sheep. I stroked any dogs that came my way, and then came across a herd of alpacas, which made me overwhelmingly happy. Then I found some very noisy geese, and a beautiful horse which came over to me and let me stroke its nose. I love horses. It's tongue was amazing. Then I found a village, which I'd visited in the past, and finally, after much questing, I discovered a field of sheep. I took photographs all along the way, so these claims will be substantiated when I find my cable...there's one I particularly like of the horse's nose. ((I'm editing this, and hopefully will have managed to put the images on..hopehopehope)) Once I had found the sheep, the sun was setting, and I was about 6 miles from my flat. Problematic, considering that my route had been largely muddy, stony, uneven paths next to streams in woodlands. So I started back. I discovered that my flask (newly bought for uni and unused until today) had a crack in and thus my coffee was not only all over my bag, but also nearing ice-cold. Light was lost in that fluid way that you first think is gradual but discover to be just a prelude to sudden submersion into darkness.

"Soon it will be dark and these unfamiliar paths will seem stranger still".

I guess inevitably I'm heading this way: I always go as far as I can my own way, pushing boundaries further and further, disregarding responsibility and sensibility and wisdom, looking for what I've set my heart on, and when it gets dark, I'm far, far away from where I really need to be. I start walking back, and I trip over rocks I can't see, I slip down muddy slopes. I follow my whims for as long as I can pretend they're all that matter. When I have to come back to reality, when there's somewhere to be, I've only made it harder for myself.

This is obviously just a metaphor, inspired by some pondering as I wandered back tonight, because thankfully, my journey was relatively peaceful, and I had cleared the most of the darkest woods before night really fell hard. A good spontaneous walk. If my maths is right, it was about 13 miles. Yesterday through trips to the station and random wandering, I accumulated about 13 too. 26 in 2 days. These are what we call 'Sheffield legs'.

Friday, 11 December 2009


I've just watched a program about elderly couples affected by Alzheimer's. This theme always gets me; I've been sat just crying and crying at it, because it's so sad, and so beautiful, and the tension between these is like a new colour in the soul. It's this selfless, pure and honest love that's given despite not being recognised, reciprocated or recieved without abuse. Knowing that nothing may be given in return, they still devote their lives to the person they love. It's just amazing. I guess it always makes me think of how God loves us, even when so many of us so much of the time don't know Him, see Him as a stranger or worse, and give so little back. How he gives us everything including Himself and does for us what we're unable of doing ourselves. He loves. And loves. And loves.

I want to live a life of selfless love.

The program is here, should you have 38 minutes and 45 seconds to witness something inspired by God's heart: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00pdv0w/Wonderland_Series_2_The_Alzheimers_Choir/

It also talks about music's role in combating dementia etc, if that intrigues you.

Yes please Jesus.

Thursday, 10 December 2009


Well, this week the desire to leave has been stronger than before. I've tried hard to combat it, to put down anchors. I went to CU Monday, a cell group Tuesday, hall group and text-a-mince-pie yesterday. All of these were really good, and useful, and what I want to be doing. But I still woke up feeling rubbish today. All I know is that this is something I can't get out of alone. But God is good all the time (all the time, God is good). He never leaves or forsakes. And He works through everything for the good of those who love Him. I pray that he would teach me, mould me, change me, and rather than make it easy, "just allow me to endure it". By the skin of my teeth it seems, but He's got it covered more than I know. I sometimes hear myself saying, "I don't know how much more of this I can take"- but God interrupts before I utter it, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9).

Sunday, 6 December 2009

Stumbling block.

Throw me into the sea!

I feel like filth. In church before the preach and worship there was the usual call to give up distractions, burdens and that which holds you back, to give them up to God now so that you can move on to grow in Him.

I broke when I heard my name.