Saturday, 29 August 2009


I am not satisfied.

Wednesday, 26 August 2009


I wish I dreamed of worship more often. And I wish I hadn't woken up this morning. Because it had the potential to be eternally beautiful. I guess that's some kind of glimpse of heaven...and now there's an echo of that desire to sleep forever and live in my dream of thousands of people singing out to God, all hearts personal to Him but together as one...but it won't be a dream one day.

I wish I was closer to God. I wish too much.

Really would like a hug tonight. Fluffy PJs are a mediocre substitute, but cosy all the same.

Friday, 21 August 2009


I've had this refrain in the back of my mind the past few days. It comes from a time a couple of months ago in a really good week during my exam period. The reason for my fond recollection of that week is that it was '747' as Laurence described. A text woke me up at 7am each day giving encouragement, some scripture, and general spurring towards consciousness and time with God. On the Wednesday of that week, I got up extra early and traveled to town for a prayer meeting at Talbot Street in the early hours. During that meeting, we were praying for each other and one of the girls prophesied over me that I would "find favour", and the contexts mentioned were with God and with those marking my exams.
Now, I don't believe I've done anything to warrant God's favour. Issues of faith and deeds arise perpetually. I refuse to dwell but will affirm that God is incredibly faithful, merciful, forgiving and patient. For this I'm thankful. God has poured out blessing after blessing on me these past couple of months. Following a really pants time, I found myself surrounded by beautiful people and incredible experiences that showed me a little bit of how God loves us. I can't wait to see more.
As for the other favour finding: my exam results literally make me want to cry thanks to God, not because they're good so much, but more just because everything I was really worried about, and the exams I felt most weak or exhausted in, turned out fine. Better than. Kind of like when Jesus took the loaves and fishes, turned something normal into something supernatural...but not only did He do enough to feed the people, but to have more left over afterwards. Like just a prodigal display of power. He can do so much more than we ask or imagine.
I want to start asking. I want to start imagining.
I want my heart to be ready when I leave for Sheffield. I want God to have full reign in my life. I want my life to be an act of worship.
(I used to hate the word "want". It made me feel sick and shameful, like a spoilt child such as Angelica from the Rugrats. But I'm learning that we're designed to want some things. To refuse to say I want it would be to lie and deminish its worth.)
Who will go?

Monday, 10 August 2009

Been aware for a while now that my heart's not as hot as it should be. I think about it every day, but haven't yet changed my ways. Is this rebellion, laziness, faithlessness? I hope not. I've come to the point where I must face what I know- I've been called, and if I carry on this way, I will regret it later. I want to go into the next year running, heart on fire and fearless. I want to see incredible things and know God in every moment.

Wednesday, 5 August 2009


First entry- I'm not really here yet, and I'm not sure if I ever will be.