Sunday, 27 September 2009


Last night I went to watch the SutCo production of Paradise Lost. Based on Milton's poem, the play depicts the fall of man and battle between Heaven and Hell. I sat with Dave on one side and a stranger on the other. Halfway through I was surprised by tears flowing quite freely down my cheeks, silent and fearless. It's natural to want to shout to Eve and tell her not to do it, not to ruin the bliss she has, not to believe what the devil says, not to disobey God...but as they acted the scenes it was like looking into a mirror. I saw myself walking with Adam, swearing reliability, failing. Myself, with others, promising integrity, failing. Myself, in all things, making wrong decisions to disobey God. If I were Eve I would have done the same, and had I heard a young woman crying out to stop my hand...I would ignore her pleads- and often do. What killed me most was how Adam got dragged into equal misery, how something as beautiful as their pure relationship was made into a vehicle for destruction of their perfect life with the creator. That's just cruel. And again, the mirror of the stage showed me my own part played.

Praise the lord that He's slow to anger and abounding in love. His grace is prodigal. I think it's amazing. Really really.

Church shopping commences tomorrow. I have not been to church in 2 weeks. I'm craving. Oh my word! I am excited.

Wednesday, 23 September 2009


If I gave a voice to everything that has happened, that has touched me, that I'm feeling, thinking, wanting, the people I've met, the sheer vastness of this past few days, well, my keyboard would disappear, my fingers would bleed and the depiction would still fall short.

My head's a busy place right now.

I guess this is the biggest thing I've ever done for the old giving back of the life He saved. It's the most clear instruction He's ever given me (or at least the clearest I've heard, which is more likely)...and so in that sense it should be easy- I've found there's no arguing with God in the end...though obviously I tried like a stubborn mule.

And now I'm here I'm so glad. Why? This is a city that is going to be rocked to it's very foundations. The feeling of hope, expectation and potential, is so strong. Walking in the street I can feel God's presence hovering like a cloud, pouring out of people. Amazing. Imagine, if we were to give Him full reign. If we were to listen and act. If we were to open up this box that God's constantly shoved into and lived in the awesome power of His love. I've already heard incredible stories of healing, salvation, transformation. In bedrooms. I'll be honest- I'm not there yet. I'll lay hands on people, I'll follow a holy nudge...but fear still sits with faith, and there's something strange about that combination. But I think that this is the place I need to be to overcome that fear and live in faith. I really can't wait.

So, that's the incredible stuff, in short. There's a lot more, but I'm exhausted. Walking back and forth from my residence (which is incredible- you can see for miles out of the lounge and squirrelly grass from my bedroom window) to the campus is hard-going, especially when you're the most disorganised person in the world and constantly forget necessary forms at home. I queued for 3 hours today. My knee is shot. And the old fear of eating in public makes getting the necessary calories tricky. Ah well. I can't keep up with my flat-mates...I went out with them on Sunday night but since have done other stuff (they're wonderful, it's just I'm an old woman). I spent a while last night on the bathroom floor, admiring the porcelain of the toilet bowl. Praise the lord for the healing promises.

All in all, I love Sheffield. Lots. It's a shame that my heart keeps getting broken out of the corner of my eye, but we persevere.

Friday, 11 September 2009


I'm slightly conscious of the fact that I'm a reserve. Something's amiss, but is it the situation or my perspective of it?
So, I'm getting hurt (in a detached sort of way) by the fact that someone I care about only comes to me when they're lonely and can't get their fix of companionship anywhere else. I'm there 24/7 ready to do whatever, just be there, seriously ready to love. Every now and then, I'll get a text: maybe a quote, a lyric, sometimes just one word that I know has a story somewhere in their day that maybe I'll hear, maybe I'll have to imagine or work out myself. Sometimes an invitation, "How are you?" to have a relationship for 10 minutes. And for those 10 minutes they're the most important person to me- I'd drop anything I was doing to talk back and be close for those few moments. I still know that 99% of the time I'll continue to wait, silently, ready, just hoping to hear from them again...but it doesn't diminish the desire I have to know them. I know that they may ignore me most of the week, sometimes more, but I'll still be overjoyed when the 10 minutes comes round again, and it'll be worth it. And I think this, and can't help but recognise that God's love is so much bigger than mine, and so much stronger, unconditional, faithful and perfect. And He's there 24/7, every minute of every day of every week, month, year, wanting to love us, wanting to be in a relationship with us, wanting us to come back, remember Him and spend some time. I know I live my life getting my fixes from other things sometimes: friends, work, sports, my word even TV sometimes out-competes the Lord of Heaven and Earth for my attention with its mindless flicking from one repeated sitcom to another. And if I'm getting miffed about my friend only talking to me when his other mates aren't there to distract him, how much more hurt is God's heart when the child that He gave His son to die for only turns to chat for 4 minutes before she falls asleep mid-sentence?
It may be an exaggeration. I pray throughout the day, one-liners, I try to remember God in my life and show Him through my actions. But I get sad for my friend, when I think of how much love he's missing out on. And I get sad when I can't give it. I think God feels this, but multiplied by about 6billion. It needs to change.

Saturday, 5 September 2009


I'm rather excited!

Over the past week or so I've really begun to grasp that God's plans for me are indeed, for me. What I mean is that up until this point I've easily lost heart and felt self-conscious, or let people put a damper on my path, or felt like I'm infiltrating in some way something that I was not supposed to be head knew this was silly but my heart couldn't get over it. But now, I'm claiming these plans. It's all for God's glory, and so anything I'm told to do is fine. Better than fine. It's incredible! So after results I felt I'd earned my place at uni in some way...but there's so much more to it than that. I know God's been sorting everything out ahead of me- results, friends, finance. I'm to be in Sheffield, like anywhere else, not because of my efforts or my decisions but because of God's amazing grace and His unfailing plan. These are exciting times! Not to mention, on Wednesday morning I flitted over to T-street for 747 prayer and got a beautiful prophecy which I trust will come into importance over this next 3 years.

Claimed! Booyah.

In other news, I'm running the Great Yorkshire Run tomorrow morning with Dave and have no idea how it will go!

I need to buy some pans!