Church on Sunday was really amazing. Song of songs has been following me around lately, for which I'm very grateful. "Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. For love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. Love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame." It came as a word in the service this week too. It's been on my heart. I know that the past two months especially it's become much clearer to me that there's a romance waiting, and I want to go deeper. A text from a friend around the time of New Year, "song of solomon, read the whole thing now. I pray through this text that God would romance you and hold you. God won't make you shake in fear and he will not make you feel abused or neglected". See, I like love. I'm a fan. Flip me, let's face it, God is love (John says), and everything without God is meaningless (Solomon says), and thus, love is everything. I know that I cannot begin to understand the love that God is- it's too vast. But the fact that we humans have the capacity to love each other in these faint echoes of that greater love...that has amazed me for some time, and I'm certain will continue. It's like looking at the reflection of a mountain in the rippling surface of a lake. I can pick out the vague shapes of trees and blurry birds, and although the picture isn't perfect, it's not clear, from what I can see I know that above is the perfect sight, and have a slightly better idea of what is being reflected.
I'm tired and tangenty, but my point is this- I want to be romanced. I want to fall in love. I want to be in a relationship. Oh my word, I want to full on fall for God. Because I might think that I've experienced love, and I might have been stunned by that, but I know that that was even only just a reflection. "My love is a raisin. And God's is a pumpkin....or a watermelon...and I wanna eat it!"
So yesterday stuff changed, and it was sad and it was happy and it was relieving and freeing and exhausting and it apparently involved most emotions possible. I actually resembled Ron Burgundy in a glass case of emotion for some time, and am very grateful to my most amazing friend for praying for me throughout and giving tissues and duvet. I went to the store at 3am, and baked for the flat until 6...to be honest, it was a lot better than I expected, praise the lord. Yes, aspects suck, and at some point I will think about it and be forced to re-evaluate what I believe about certain things, but right now, I'm actually half cheerful. God's amazing. And loves perfectly. I feel that there's a lot I want to say, but I'm too exhausted. Therefore: God's love- to be continued.
*(*Edit: I should point out that I have eaten an entire banoffee pie- I feel this is important information...I went to meadowhall spontaneously and figured I'd either get fit or get fat in a reposte to life...but I couldn't decide which so I bought pie and a sports bra*)*.