Walls.

Last exam today. I don't like taking about academic type stuff on here unless it's got some bigger point- but basically, I'm thankful that God's pulled me through the past [entirety of my life] few weeks, and it's been incredibly obvious to me. When I've been ill, I've been given strength. When I've been scared (not necessarily about exams), I've been comforted. When I would in the past have gotten really sad about things, it just hasn't come the past few weeks, which to me is amazing. It's been a most enjoyable, beautiful time, and the friendships developed are such a blessing. Ah, goodness. Happy days. God's good.

Candid.

Small thing that made me think yesterday. I was discussing with a friend how whenever I meet new people and they find out I play the guitar, I often get asked to meet and play with them. And although I love the idea of this, I know that I'm not very good, and I'm even worse when I'm with people. And thus I feel silly and worry that I'll disappoint them by not living up to their expectations (even though I've never claimed to be anything better than I am, which is pants). In a bid to comfort me, my friend remarked, "well don't worry, when guys like girls who can play the guitar, they don't want them to be better than them". Oh phew. Crisis averted, except for two problems. First, the massive generalization of men. Second, what hierarchy of importance am I giving off in vibes that would lead to the assumption that I want to sacrifice being better at the guitar in order to please a guy? Obviously this will never be an issue, my musical abilities are not competitive, they're sufficient to bring God glory and me joy/comfort/embarrassment, and that's fine with me. But still. The principle of it.

In a past relationship, we had serious issues where we both felt inferior to each other in spiritual matters, and it wore us down. I'm of the persuasion that in a couple, the man should be the leader, especially in spiritual terms*, but if he feels that he's being "out-done" (what a horrible concept) by the woman, does that mean that she should make concessions, step back from some activities, turn down her spiritual volume to enable him to be heard? No. Not at all. Mutual encouragement, spurring each other on to love and good deeds, living by example, sharpening each other. No jealousy, no competition, just teamwork and humility.

Priorities, I guess, is what I'm getting at. Knowing what yours are. And knowing if your actions and words tell the same story.

I, make very stupid concessions, which I hate. I'm feeling it today.




*this is a subject I could expand on a fair bit, with regards to church leaders, timid guys, bolshy women, myself being impatient/demanding/arrogant ...and subsequent issues.

Intricate.

It constantly amazes me how much God cares about the little details in my life. When I was younger I was told that He knew everything about me, but I thought, "so he knows, what difference does that make to me?" Now I see that He not only knows but cares and shows His amazing love through the special blessings that come with inside knowledge of our hearts. My essay research isn't going well, but I just decided to try and write up a section anyway and struggle through it. I wished that I had a different soundtrack for this endeavor. I ordered some CDs the other day that are perfect working music, but after checking the post hopefully earlier, they hadn't arrived. So I sat down to type, motivation draining, and that second a knock came to the door, a postman, late, with a cheerful looking brown package for me. Perfect timing! I nearly hugged the postman. I settled for squeaking in the stupid way that I do when I'm excited, but it made him laugh, so that's two days made better. Beautiful.

Pearl.

I've been working for a good proportion of the day, praise the Lord! Writing an essay on European empires (would be much better if I knew exactly what countries are in Europe). It's cool though, because I look at all these massive administrations and rulers that had everything, and with hindsight we can see that in the end it crumbled away. I look around today at all the superpowers, and it can seem sometimes like they're unshakable and unstoppable.

I met a traveller from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown
And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away".

- Percy Bysshe Shelley

There's a lake I used to like to walk around in Nottingham, and at a certain point I'd always look across it and this poem would pop into my head. Often I'd be there to think through stuff, problems and decisions alike, but when I'd look up and see this incredible sight, the futility of what I'd been pondering was just eclipsed by the amazing beauty of creation and creator. And that beauty would be eternal, whereas earthly things and worries would not.

Everything crumbles eventually. I think it's hard to believe it until you can look down on the ruins that become history to you. I bet people thought the Romans would become synonymous with humanity. I bet people think the countries we hear about on the news will never be surpassed. I bet there are people who think that evil and suffering rule on Earth, and that we'll be broken forever. There are things in my life that I've sometimes felt would never let up, feelings that would hold me, situations that would tie me down and keep me, but in time I see them crumble to dust like everything else.

Because there's only one power that will never fail. One kingdom that is eternal. One King who will rule forever.

The rest is dust.

In other news, life is pretty sweet.

Foliage.

I'm back in Sheffield! Hurrah. It is so far quite beautiful. I looked out of the window this morning (which is now yesterday) when I went to make coffee and a dense fog hung over the day. That made me smile. I'm happy. I left my 3 warm hoodies at home accidentally though, which is unfortunate. Muppet. Magnets on our fridge make me smile too. It's good. It's very, very good.

"There should be no pity for the man who leaves everything behind to follow God, and then wonders why the road is so difficult or narrow. Nor should there be a party. What there should be, and what I feel I can honestly say, is that there should be a change. There should be progress on some level. I used to say that this experience would be worth the while if only one life was encouraged to discover Jesus for the first time or at least to seek Christ with greater diligence. By God’s kindness, this has happened in countless lives this year already! Little did I know, though, that I was referencing myself. I was that one person that needed Jesus. Did I (or do any of us) really think that our mustard seed of faith would accomplish the relocation of mountains? Probably not, at least not for very long. What Jesus was getting at in this well-known parable was that it took such an insignificant morsel of OUR own faith, by comparison, to the colossal depths of God’s faith in His own ways, His own abilities. The mountains will throw themselves into the sea, not because you or I give the command, but because God is able to match our tiny seed with His unending forest, and then, and only then, is anything possible. All forests are birthed first by planting helpless seeds that require ingredients only God can provide. We are saved by grace, through faith, because faith is the seed that God uses to implant His eternal power of grace into our lives." - Chad Johnson.

Change me, mold me, bring me closer, let me progress. Oh my word. Life. Soul. Love. He is flipping amazing.

Shield.

So, I'm really ill. The ongoing poor health I've had increasingly for the past couple of months has been topped with a common cold, which really adds insult to injury because it's such a small thing. But I only had a little strength left and that's been punctured now. Nauseous, stuffed up, dizzy, so weak its unbelievable (I just quite humorously failed to stand up). I feel like death.

But I couldn't be happier. I was on the verge of getting stressed. Why this week? Why when I have exams? Why when I have to go back to uni? I had a pray, and think this is great. I want to live in God's strength, not my own, and this way I'm forced to. It's so much better this way. A challenge for me, a triumph for God, all glory to Jesus, less of me, more of You. My prayer has been changed from "please heal me, let me feel well enough to face the week ahead", to "Lord, help me to trust You, rely on You, live for You, by You. Let me praise You and thank You whether I'm walking or crawling into exam halls. Let me lean on You, and be glorified. Be my strength.".

He doesn't just hold me, He holds me together.

Gosh darn it I want to drop out of uni tonight.