"Down here we got our act clean yesterday, and we plan to start getting our act clean tomorrow, but we never clean up our act today."
~The Red Queen.
Why do I always wait? At the risk of sounding dark, why live in a dirty act? What makes the half-life so much more appealing than cleaning it up and really living?
Wednesday, 24 March 2010
Thursday, 18 March 2010
Scans and tea.
No, I do not know how I was made.
Foundations laid are underground and I
Build up, up. My tower sways, west to east,
In the south wind; it sings
My accolade. Deafening praise
Let it rise and swell-
Until the south winds fall and the north rise up-
Tales of my glory let it tell.
And when it mumbles, tripped
By my stumbling gait cry
Wait! As my tower sways
As my tower sways east to west and bricks
Rain down and splinters dig from
This rough wood crown and I,
Usurper rightly overthrown, in the
Rubble stands my stolen throne.
Then I, king Beggar with nought to claim
But in ruins just foundations remain-
No, I do not know how I was made.
Foundations laid are underground and I
Build up, up. My tower sways, west to east,
In the south wind; it sings
My accolade. Deafening praise
Let it rise and swell-
Until the south winds fall and the north rise up-
Tales of my glory let it tell.
And when it mumbles, tripped
By my stumbling gait cry
Wait! As my tower sways
As my tower sways east to west and bricks
Rain down and splinters dig from
This rough wood crown and I,
Usurper rightly overthrown, in the
Rubble stands my stolen throne.
Then I, king Beggar with nought to claim
But in ruins just foundations remain-
No, I do not know how I was made.
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Like thread.
It has been a while. I feel as if there's probably a lot to explain, as though there's some agenda I'm following. How bizarre.
First, I suppose, is a story of how God works through everything, even when we don't realise it (which for me is most of the time) to fulfill His plan for our lives.
So, on my heart for years now has been this longing to share love with people. Here, there, UK, abroad. The more I get to know God, the more my heart is burdened with the beautiful weight of His. I've often thought of going abroad on a short term mission- not only the past few summers, but few people know I strongly considered leaving for Africa instead of taking up my place at college. It's quite common knowledge that I came ridiculously close to a gap-year involving mission abroad before university too. I love God, people and the world. They're all incredible. But in the past, these considerations, when put to prayer, have been stamped by God, "wait". Frustrating, but each time that which I took up in the UK instead was integral to the building of relationships and faith. When I conceded (for I am so stubborn), and came to uni, I felt that this was the year. Finally. I was meant to be in Sheffield, and the past had been leading to this. Getting here was fulfillment. Phase one as it were. Obviously this was for a purpose, but I can't divulge this yet, because it's not all clear to me yet, but it's all exciting. God's got it all going off.
But yes, once I was in Sheff, and roots were in September trusted to be put down eventually, I felt it time to make plans for the next summer and God no longer said "wait" but "go". I would get abroad, show love and serve, and grow in God. So I decided to go to Namibia. I know an organization out there that took over from YFC Namibia and I would stay at the orphanage I have connections with and serve in their "choose to wait" ministries and with the local kids. I was excited.
But then, a change came in the situation, and to all extents and purposes, I freaked. This change made me doubt my own heart, and as a result I became scared that although my motives had been pure and Jesus-focussed in the beginning, that developments would change them to more selfish ones. That I would go with my mind conscious of keeping up with other people, sort of along the same line of "God points", not wanting to fall behind in the stats of service and experience, that I would become more concerned about what certain other people thought of me going out than I was about the mission itself. I would not go if this was the case. How could I? Motives had to be right.
So I put the application on hold. I should point out that this all happened the day I was going to book flights to Windhoek Namibia. I put it all down, laid it all down and asked God to sort me out. To humble me and turn my face to His. So I took a few weeks, praying, trying to get my heart in the right place. To focus completely on God and serving Him and others. I couldn't make any decision until this was the case. Only when I felt at peace with the whole thing, that I was going to serve, that it didn't matter who else was doing what, that God was the only thing my eyes were set on, did I make any firm decision on Namibia. It wasn't ideal. I'd be alone, when a team would have been much safer and provide a more wholesome experience...but I trusted God would provide that and protection within the orphanage.
However. God works in amazing ways. And the day after I felt my heart was firmly on track, I went for coffee with my cell leader, who, after hearing a flippant mention of my Namibia plans, asked me if I'd like to go to Mozambique instead with some students from church. It had been organised a while, but he said he could try to get me on. I said yes please. Am I sure I don't want to go alone? Yes, quite- I was terrified alone. The timing was perfect. Absolutely. I realise now that God had to let me go with my own plan for a little bit, had to get me to go through that phase of preparing my heart in terms of leaving and not being affected by other things, get my motivation right...before He could put this opportunity in front of me. Otherwise, I would have just had to leave it because I wouldn't be able to seek Him alone.
So that's long. But it's exciting and comforting. He's got it all sorted and we don't even know it most of the time.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
First, I suppose, is a story of how God works through everything, even when we don't realise it (which for me is most of the time) to fulfill His plan for our lives.
So, on my heart for years now has been this longing to share love with people. Here, there, UK, abroad. The more I get to know God, the more my heart is burdened with the beautiful weight of His. I've often thought of going abroad on a short term mission- not only the past few summers, but few people know I strongly considered leaving for Africa instead of taking up my place at college. It's quite common knowledge that I came ridiculously close to a gap-year involving mission abroad before university too. I love God, people and the world. They're all incredible. But in the past, these considerations, when put to prayer, have been stamped by God, "wait". Frustrating, but each time that which I took up in the UK instead was integral to the building of relationships and faith. When I conceded (for I am so stubborn), and came to uni, I felt that this was the year. Finally. I was meant to be in Sheffield, and the past had been leading to this. Getting here was fulfillment. Phase one as it were. Obviously this was for a purpose, but I can't divulge this yet, because it's not all clear to me yet, but it's all exciting. God's got it all going off.
But yes, once I was in Sheff, and roots were in September trusted to be put down eventually, I felt it time to make plans for the next summer and God no longer said "wait" but "go". I would get abroad, show love and serve, and grow in God. So I decided to go to Namibia. I know an organization out there that took over from YFC Namibia and I would stay at the orphanage I have connections with and serve in their "choose to wait" ministries and with the local kids. I was excited.
But then, a change came in the situation, and to all extents and purposes, I freaked. This change made me doubt my own heart, and as a result I became scared that although my motives had been pure and Jesus-focussed in the beginning, that developments would change them to more selfish ones. That I would go with my mind conscious of keeping up with other people, sort of along the same line of "God points", not wanting to fall behind in the stats of service and experience, that I would become more concerned about what certain other people thought of me going out than I was about the mission itself. I would not go if this was the case. How could I? Motives had to be right.
So I put the application on hold. I should point out that this all happened the day I was going to book flights to Windhoek Namibia. I put it all down, laid it all down and asked God to sort me out. To humble me and turn my face to His. So I took a few weeks, praying, trying to get my heart in the right place. To focus completely on God and serving Him and others. I couldn't make any decision until this was the case. Only when I felt at peace with the whole thing, that I was going to serve, that it didn't matter who else was doing what, that God was the only thing my eyes were set on, did I make any firm decision on Namibia. It wasn't ideal. I'd be alone, when a team would have been much safer and provide a more wholesome experience...but I trusted God would provide that and protection within the orphanage.
However. God works in amazing ways. And the day after I felt my heart was firmly on track, I went for coffee with my cell leader, who, after hearing a flippant mention of my Namibia plans, asked me if I'd like to go to Mozambique instead with some students from church. It had been organised a while, but he said he could try to get me on. I said yes please. Am I sure I don't want to go alone? Yes, quite- I was terrified alone. The timing was perfect. Absolutely. I realise now that God had to let me go with my own plan for a little bit, had to get me to go through that phase of preparing my heart in terms of leaving and not being affected by other things, get my motivation right...before He could put this opportunity in front of me. Otherwise, I would have just had to leave it because I wouldn't be able to seek Him alone.
So that's long. But it's exciting and comforting. He's got it all sorted and we don't even know it most of the time.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." - Romans 8:28
Wednesday, 10 March 2010
Dull ache.
It seems, that I'm going to Mozambique.
Today has been too long and too hard to order in my mind right now; but it'll come, and when it does, I know it will speak of God being amazing.
He's very good.
Today has been too long and too hard to order in my mind right now; but it'll come, and when it does, I know it will speak of God being amazing.
He's very good.
Sunday, 7 March 2010
Thankyou Mr Alien.
What a day.
Church was great this morning- I love the morning service with all the kids running around. I like it when there's a baby looking over their father's shoulders a few rows in front giving me an excuse to make silly faces throughout the preach. One of the most beautiful moments was when it was time to respond, and a woman left her young son in order to go to the front... He just looked hopefully at her. Eventually, he took her hand and they both trotted off to kneel in front of the cross together. I welled up. Love it.
It's not been a good day mystery illness-wise...but it's okay. I was slow walking to church, and a man started talking to me in the dodgy area, and I knew that because I felt so rough, I wouldn't be able to escape as easily as usually I'd be confident of doing. So instead we talked for fifteen minutes. He tried to make me get in his van. When will I learn? I hate that I'm learning to be cynical. Realistic, perhaps. My problem in the past is not that I've been naive- I'm well aware that some people have dark intentions- but I have hope in people I guess. I'd rather give them the benefit of the doubt. But now I'm learning. I did not get in his van. Or give him my number. And I probably won't call his. Sad times.
And I've just been at the first of 3 beautiful gigs of March. Newton Faulkner, supported by Charlie Winston. Too tired to do them justice right now, but it was stunning. I've never laughed in joy so much at a gig. I know that my heart is for free, soulful music, pure expression. And fun, pleasure in doing it and sharing it. Perfect. It made me feel lighter. Happy days. And we, being hardcore, took brioche to a gig. I love Jo Beedell.
Church was great this morning- I love the morning service with all the kids running around. I like it when there's a baby looking over their father's shoulders a few rows in front giving me an excuse to make silly faces throughout the preach. One of the most beautiful moments was when it was time to respond, and a woman left her young son in order to go to the front... He just looked hopefully at her. Eventually, he took her hand and they both trotted off to kneel in front of the cross together. I welled up. Love it.
It's not been a good day mystery illness-wise...but it's okay. I was slow walking to church, and a man started talking to me in the dodgy area, and I knew that because I felt so rough, I wouldn't be able to escape as easily as usually I'd be confident of doing. So instead we talked for fifteen minutes. He tried to make me get in his van. When will I learn? I hate that I'm learning to be cynical. Realistic, perhaps. My problem in the past is not that I've been naive- I'm well aware that some people have dark intentions- but I have hope in people I guess. I'd rather give them the benefit of the doubt. But now I'm learning. I did not get in his van. Or give him my number. And I probably won't call his. Sad times.
And I've just been at the first of 3 beautiful gigs of March. Newton Faulkner, supported by Charlie Winston. Too tired to do them justice right now, but it was stunning. I've never laughed in joy so much at a gig. I know that my heart is for free, soulful music, pure expression. And fun, pleasure in doing it and sharing it. Perfect. It made me feel lighter. Happy days. And we, being hardcore, took brioche to a gig. I love Jo Beedell.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Fille.
A thousand times you've lied
Yet I'm still surprised.
I have absolutely no problem in talking to people. I love it. I'm content to stand in front of 400 people and speak. I'm happy to chat with a stranger I meet on the street. These things don't phase me! But regardless, when I speak, be it doing a reading or teach at church, or answer a question in a seminar of 10 people, my body freaks, and for ten minutes after my legs will shake uncontrollably. It's quite amusing really. A completely physical reaction to something I don't even feel emotionally.
My body and my mind aren't communicating right now. In my heart I'm at peace with the fact that God is completely sovereign, that His plan is perfect and mine is hypothetical. I know how amazing He is, what He can do (which is even more than I recognise). But my body chooses to disagree, to panic and stress, to feel sick with nerves, to shake and falter. Get in line body, come on. It's like watching people freak out before an exam that you're completely calm about...it's just surreal and hard to understand and take seriously.
My priorities have been made quite clear to me this week.
And there are some things that I thought everyone knew, but it turns out they don't. And when I think that by these things I see the world, I wonder at how people see where they're going. I can't fathom it. I guess that's a symptom.
You try to teach me,
Let me learn.
We will be the hopeful.
Yet I'm still surprised.
I have absolutely no problem in talking to people. I love it. I'm content to stand in front of 400 people and speak. I'm happy to chat with a stranger I meet on the street. These things don't phase me! But regardless, when I speak, be it doing a reading or teach at church, or answer a question in a seminar of 10 people, my body freaks, and for ten minutes after my legs will shake uncontrollably. It's quite amusing really. A completely physical reaction to something I don't even feel emotionally.
My body and my mind aren't communicating right now. In my heart I'm at peace with the fact that God is completely sovereign, that His plan is perfect and mine is hypothetical. I know how amazing He is, what He can do (which is even more than I recognise). But my body chooses to disagree, to panic and stress, to feel sick with nerves, to shake and falter. Get in line body, come on. It's like watching people freak out before an exam that you're completely calm about...it's just surreal and hard to understand and take seriously.
My priorities have been made quite clear to me this week.
And there are some things that I thought everyone knew, but it turns out they don't. And when I think that by these things I see the world, I wonder at how people see where they're going. I can't fathom it. I guess that's a symptom.
You try to teach me,
Let me learn.
We will be the hopeful.
Monday, 1 March 2010
Love isn't made.
Well. Saturday entailed Besom with the students at church. Fun times, amazing people, beautiful to show God's love without pulling out the theology so much, and most incredible was Jesus quite literally setting the captives free. We (2 of 4 groups) went and painted rooms in a family's house. I got paint pretty much everywhere. In my hair. Pear. My running trousers are now covered in "wellbeing" green. I am not altogether adverse to this.
Yesterday I was so exhausted from the past week, having been running around a lot and not sleeping fantastically (or at all) that I overslept and missed church. Gutted. I don't usually go in the mornings at the moment, but I had intended to. But last night was really lovely. Creative worship with cluster. It felt nice to play with charcoal again. My word I love art. I need to find the time.
And today was the fateful trip to the doctors. Put off repeatedly over the past 5 months. Even last week when I booked it, more obstacles were put in my way. Hilariously petty. Anyway, I went, (I wished someone had gone with me), God was amazing. The doctor was the nicest one I've ever been to. She said we'd have to do blood tests (I really wished someone had gone with me) and I thought "great, it's taken me 5 months to get this appointment, another doesn't bode well". But I went to the reception and she said one had come free just 15 minutes away. Provision! Then the nurse was lovely too. She asked me if I was okay about blood and all I could think of was how my brother fainted when he had a jab once, woke up, saw it again and fainted again. So I just giggled. I'm fine with that stuff. I was amazed when I saw it. The body is incredible really. She saw me staring and asked if I was okay, and I replied "yes! just really relieved that it came out red". Anyway, she filled a vial. I thought this looked like a lot of blood for the purposes. Then she filled another. And another. I'm quite certain I needed some of that. Also, it turns out that my veins aren't amazing for shooting up, so hardcore drugs are no longer a practical temptation, so that's a weight off my mind.
All in all, life's good. I'm tired. I have a violent play to read. It is called Volpone. I think that "Volpone" sounds like a good name for a dragon, and thus imagine the main character to be a dragon. They are not supposed to be, but my play is better.
Today I wrote a letter to a stranger, and gave them chocolate.
And I pondered the old question of integrity. Is it about what we do, or what others perceive us to do?
Yesterday I was so exhausted from the past week, having been running around a lot and not sleeping fantastically (or at all) that I overslept and missed church. Gutted. I don't usually go in the mornings at the moment, but I had intended to. But last night was really lovely. Creative worship with cluster. It felt nice to play with charcoal again. My word I love art. I need to find the time.
And today was the fateful trip to the doctors. Put off repeatedly over the past 5 months. Even last week when I booked it, more obstacles were put in my way. Hilariously petty. Anyway, I went, (I wished someone had gone with me), God was amazing. The doctor was the nicest one I've ever been to. She said we'd have to do blood tests (I really wished someone had gone with me) and I thought "great, it's taken me 5 months to get this appointment, another doesn't bode well". But I went to the reception and she said one had come free just 15 minutes away. Provision! Then the nurse was lovely too. She asked me if I was okay about blood and all I could think of was how my brother fainted when he had a jab once, woke up, saw it again and fainted again. So I just giggled. I'm fine with that stuff. I was amazed when I saw it. The body is incredible really. She saw me staring and asked if I was okay, and I replied "yes! just really relieved that it came out red". Anyway, she filled a vial. I thought this looked like a lot of blood for the purposes. Then she filled another. And another. I'm quite certain I needed some of that. Also, it turns out that my veins aren't amazing for shooting up, so hardcore drugs are no longer a practical temptation, so that's a weight off my mind.
All in all, life's good. I'm tired. I have a violent play to read. It is called Volpone. I think that "Volpone" sounds like a good name for a dragon, and thus imagine the main character to be a dragon. They are not supposed to be, but my play is better.
Today I wrote a letter to a stranger, and gave them chocolate.
And I pondered the old question of integrity. Is it about what we do, or what others perceive us to do?
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